Unfiltered

April 5, 2017

Recently, I've been feeling the pressure. Pressure in grad school and my personal life . The pressure of time, commitments, and expectations. Pressure to make it count, say the right thing, make memories. Struggling to balance, fighting the realization that I have so little control.  Even as I write, I recognize my tendency to spin it to the positive. Find the silver lining. Clean it up before you put it out there.

I'm calling BULLSHIT.

Good, bad, ugly. Confidence, doubt, surrender. Somewhere in between lost and found. This is where I live. A constant exploration on a windswept sea.

I got married in July. A beautiful, happy day with my man. A few days of wedded bliss. Followed by successive losses. We lost Leo, my husband's step father. We lost our independence when my mother in law moved in. We lost our free time together as I entered grad school. And now we are losing Wanda.

I haven't put anything out on social media about my mother in law's brain cancer; I wont share the story the isn't mine to tell. I haven't expressed the sorrow we feel as she declines past the point where we could care for her. I haven't stopped feeling guilty, that I should be able to do more. I haven't given myself the time or compassion to grieve.

I recognize the reality that I am in an accelerated, challenging graduate program with no chance to catch my breath or care for another human being. I recognize my need to KNOW, my need to HELP, my need to SURVIVE. I recognize my mistakes. I have said the wrong thing, forgotten deadlines, been angry and short with my family. I have checked out emotionally and avoided my personal yoga practice, let my mat gather dust.

Surrender, rebuild. Breathe.

This crazy life we live is incomplete without those you love, without the moments your mask slips and you lose control.

The moments when you are unfiltered.