Good enough

Oct 26, 2018

October. Days seem shorter, colder, and rushed. A time for turning inwards and working on the shadows. My shadows are many things; the remnant of something that once was, the hint of something not yet developed, and a partially formed awareness of what I have not yet acknowledged. When I think about my shadows, I don't limit myself to the dark and unwelcome shadows. I want to include the parts of myself that are still developing and coming to light. Currently these shadows are the idea that I can surrender control and that all will be well, and that I am safe as I go with the flow.

Midterm exams always raise my anxiety, but my shadow work has brought me down an interesting path of considering what will happen if I fail. It is comforting to know that an exam score no longer dictates my happiness. This identification with external measures of worth is a common practice for all people regardless of profession or personality type.

I find myself walking on the edge of my fears more regularly now, hoping to find some balance between fear and life. Before I can accept a balance, I need to explore my shadows. One of my biggest fears is of being wrong. Perhaps I fear being wrong because I think that if I am wrong I am somehow worth less than if I was right. Whether that is making a bad decision or believing the wrong thing, it makes me uncomfortable to think that I am bad or foolish. Perhaps it stems from a fear of 'looking dumb' in front of my peers, or an identification with my decisions and actions.

Through the practice of yoga, by loosening our grasp on future or past oriented thoughts and being present in the current moment, we can disengage from the black and white dichotomy of classifying things as right or wrong, good or bad.

When I sit down to write a blog post, I wonder how I can communicate my experience with others so that they may further explore their own state of being. I hope that you see this collection of musings as a chance to recognize your own tendency to identify with the external measures of self worth, reflect what does and does not serve your efforts to discover your highest self, and explore who you are in this moment without judgement.